As you drove nearer my building, my heart raced. Is this really it? After 3 years of joy and torment, is this really the end? After choosing you over and over again for 3 years, am I still really not your choice after all?
And tears. Fucking tears roll down my cheeks.
You didn't notice of course. I don't think you ever really felt concerned when I cry. I mean you do but like idk you never really seemed the type to be so affected by that. So you're just looking forward, but as you parked you looked at me so I'd go down.
"I miss you." I said as I looked at you. "I miss us."
I look down your hand, 'cause this was the part where you usually hold mine and say that you love me. But no, you don't want to anymore.
"Where did I go wrong?" I was pulling back more tears
You drove again, and we parked behind my block. We had the usual fight, well not fight. The type where we just say and say everything we feel and we cry. That stupid shit we do. But we still do it.
You argued that you want me to be happy, that not knowing what to do makes you unsure of what you feel, too.
"You can't always hide behind that I'm-doing-this-for-you bullshit. Yes, I'm probably getting my karma for leaving before. But this one's different. I didn't leave you. I was giving you back to the people who you need, too. I was trying to not be a hindrance between you and your family during a family crisis. I wasn't leaving you. I was just there. I was waiting for you to come back. But you didn't try to go to your family, and I know now why. Don't worry. I understand that now.
But this, you're actually leaving me. When you know for a fact I'm happiest with you, but you're leaving me and saying this will make me happier. You can't decide for me. But you just did. You were the safe arms I can always count on, like im invincible when im with you. Now, I never felt so alone being with you.
Because nothing can make you feel more alone when you're with someone who used to love you and doesn't anymore.
I've always tried to prepare my speech when this time comes, but I just couldn't say anything.
Thank you for the 3 years, never thought it'll be so easy for u to throw away. I love you, Jerry."
And I just couldn't wait for a response anymore. I unlocked the door without waiting, and slam it as you muttered
I love you, too.
You were scheduled to go to your grandparents' house in Ayala, so despite the weight, you started the engine and drove.
Flashbacks of everything. Ever single little thing were in front of you every blink you make. Worse than driving drunk.
You made it to your grandparents' house. The one I almost went to. Wish I've met them. Anyway,
You kept to yourself. Sat in the couch not socializing at all. Your grandma sat beside you, and asked what was wrong.
Obviously you said nothing was.
"I know heartbreak when I see it." She said, "what happened?"
"Everyone's eating, no one else is here. Why don't you just share a bit of what's going on in there?" as she rest her hand on your chest. She retracted her hand as she waited for you to say something.
"There's this girl. I always thought you didn't approve of me having a girlfriend. So I just hid her from all of you for 3 years. And now, I just need more time to myself to grow so I --"
"Are you telling me, that you love this girl so much that you hid her from us for 3 years so you get to have her without us telling you not to? For 3 years you held on to someone, and now it seems like you're about to tell me you let her go."
" I did. We both need to grow--"
"Do you love her?"
"I--"
"Do not think of anything else but her." She said, "do you love her?"
"Yes. More than anything."
"Then please don't make the same mistake I did, and a lot of other people did. Separating for the sake of the other??? THAT'S BULLSHIT--"
You did not expect that from your grandma.
"You go call her. Find her. Tell her how you feel. Take her back. Don't lose her again. Do not let go of love. Choose love."
I remember when you told me that you read somewhere that if you cheat, you didn't choose someone else. You just didn't choose love.
"But it's more complicated than that"
"It's simple. Stop making love difficult. GO!" ... " If you really love her and you know she's the one and you never want to let go of her despite anything, if you love her despite anything, then love her."
You hugged her and rushed to your car, you took your phone and dialed my phone.
---
As I went out your car, I rushed to the nearest cafe I can find. I went to starr's. Just crying and watching romcom's, and telling the servers that I'm fine. I stopped.
Stared into space. One last tear before I leave.
I went outside and I was gonna cross the road, but my phone rang. It was you. It was really you. I hurriedly picked up
"Hello?"
"Hello Ela? Where are you?"
"I'm in front of starr's but I'm about to cross the road."
"Okay wait for me there. I lo--" there was a loud sound
"Ela? ELA??"
A van of drunk college kids didn't turn their lights on. I was just crossing the street.
"Hello? Hi are you a relative?" a stranger was on the phone
"Who is this???? What happened where's Ela?"
"Sir, we called 911/117 and they're coming to bring her to the nearest hospital. Actually, they're here. We'll send you the near--"
All you can hear is your heartbeat, as if your heart was in your throat.
---
You were slamming the steering wheel. Screaming at the top of your lungs. Much worse when you are mad at the world, at other drivers, or at me. You drove at lightning speed. You gave the keys to the guard as you ran inside the ER.
They were wheeling me in and you found me. You ran to me, and held my hand.
"Jerry--"
"Ela I'm so sorry. I love you so much stay strong please please"
"Please do not call my parents until im stable inside a room please promise me" As I tightened my grip on your hands, as I tugged on the arm of one of the nurses rushing me in. "Please don't tell them yet. Save me first"
"Jerry, I love you--" I lost consciousness again, as they pushed you aside and told you to wait outside the OR.
--
I was still sleeping and you were sitting beside my bed, with your head on the bed and your hand in mine.
Roommates and parents came in, but we were both still sound asleep. But I started to wake up. And I looked at you. Confused.
"Hi ma, dad. Reg angel!! what happened?" I asked, panicking.
"A van hit you, but you're okay now. Your injuries just gotta heal" regina explained
"I'm sorry but I don't mean to be rude but...who are you?" your face. I couldn't paint it. It was like a surge of emotions all at once and you didn't know which one to follow.
The doctor came in and everyone was just listening to her explaining everything. As she was about to do more check ups on me, you and reg and angel left the room as per request
"Ela is pretty much still so in love with you. As much as we tell her to stop, she just can't." Angel said
"I don't understand what's happening with her" Regina added
You were speechless.
The doctor went out and you hurried towards her.
"Doc, we have a problem." You and my roommates explained the whole story.
She went back inside to do more check-ups, now this time for this particular concern.
She let my parents stay inside and went outside.
"I believe she may have had PTSD, and so she now suffers from selective amnesia. Everything that may have brought her deep emotional and mental distress, everything related to them, it's temporarily erased. It will come back the more she is exposed to these things...or people."
(...) to be cont.
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