Good bye

You were driving me to my condo, we're in front of Regis. The traffic light was about to turn green, and flashbacks of us kissing on every red light shot my heart like it's the end. Well, it was.

As you drove nearer my building, my heart raced. Is this really it? After 3 years of joy and torment, is this really the end? After choosing you over and over again for 3 years, am I still really not your choice after all? 

And tears. Fucking tears roll down my cheeks.

You didn't notice of course. I don't think you ever really felt concerned when I cry. I mean you do but like idk you never really seemed the type to be so affected by that. So you're just looking forward, but as you parked you looked at me so I'd go down.

"I miss you." I said as I looked at you. "I miss us."

I look down your hand, 'cause this was the part where you usually hold mine and say that you love me. But no, you don't want to anymore.

"Where did I go wrong?" I was pulling back more tears

You drove again, and we parked behind my block. We had the usual fight, well not fight. The type where we just say and say everything we feel and we cry. That stupid shit we do. But we still do it.

You argued that you want me to be happy, that not knowing what to do makes you unsure of what you feel, too.

"You can't always hide behind that I'm-doing-this-for-you bullshit. Yes, I'm probably getting my karma for leaving before. But this one's different. I didn't leave you. I was giving you back to the people who you need, too. I was trying to not be a hindrance between you and your family during a family crisis. I wasn't leaving you. I was just there. I was waiting for you to come back. But you didn't try to go to your family, and I know now why. Don't worry. I understand that now.

But this, you're actually leaving me. When you know for a fact I'm happiest with you, but you're leaving me and saying this will make me happier. You can't decide for me. But you just did. You were the safe arms I can always count on, like im invincible when im with you. Now, I never felt so alone being with you.

Because nothing can make you feel more alone when you're with someone who used to love you and doesn't anymore.

I've always tried to prepare my speech when this time comes, but I just couldn't say anything. 

Thank you for the 3 years, never thought it'll be so easy for u to throw away. I love you, Jerry."

And I just couldn't wait for a response anymore. I unlocked the door without waiting, and slam it as you muttered

I love you, too.

You were scheduled to go to your grandparents' house in Ayala, so despite the weight, you started the engine and drove.

Flashbacks of everything. Ever single little thing were in front of you every blink you make. Worse than driving drunk.

You made it to your grandparents' house. The one I almost went to. Wish I've met them. Anyway,

You kept to yourself. Sat in the couch not socializing at all. Your grandma sat beside you, and asked what was wrong.

Obviously you said nothing was.

"I know heartbreak when I see it." She said, "what happened?"

"Everyone's eating, no one else is here. Why don't you just share a bit of what's going on in there?" as she rest her hand on your chest. She retracted her hand as she waited for you to say something.

"There's this girl. I always thought you didn't approve of me having a girlfriend. So I just hid her from all of you for 3 years. And now, I just need more time to myself to grow so I --"

"Are you telling me, that you love this girl so much that you hid her from us for 3 years so you get to have her without us telling you not to? For 3 years you held on to someone, and now it seems like you're about to tell me you let her go."

" I did. We both need to grow--"

"Do you love her?"

"I--"

"Do not think of anything else but her." She said, "do you love her?"

"Yes. More than anything."

"Then please don't make the same mistake I did, and a lot of other people did. Separating for the sake of the other??? THAT'S BULLSHIT--"

You did not expect that from your grandma.

"You go call her. Find her. Tell her how you feel. Take her back. Don't lose her again. Do not let go of love. Choose love."

I remember when you told me that you read somewhere that if you cheat, you didn't choose someone else. You just didn't choose love.

"But it's more complicated than that"

"It's simple. Stop making love difficult. GO!" ... " If you really love her and you know she's the one and you never want to let go of her despite anything, if you love her despite anything, then love her."

You hugged her and rushed to your car, you took your phone and dialed my phone.

---

As I went out your car, I rushed to the nearest cafe I can find. I went to starr's. Just crying and watching romcom's, and telling the servers that I'm fine. I stopped.

Stared into space. One last tear before I leave.

I went outside and I was gonna cross the road, but my phone rang. It was you. It was really you. I hurriedly picked up

"Hello?"

"Hello Ela? Where are you?"

"I'm in front of starr's but I'm about to cross the road."

"Okay wait for me there. I lo--" there was a loud sound

"Ela? ELA??"

A van of drunk college kids didn't turn their lights on. I was just crossing the street.

"Hello? Hi are you a relative?" a stranger was on the phone

"Who is this???? What happened where's Ela?"

"Sir, we called 911/117 and they're coming to bring her to the nearest hospital. Actually, they're here. We'll send you the near--"

All you can hear is your heartbeat, as if your heart was in your throat.

---

You were slamming the steering wheel. Screaming at the top of your lungs. Much worse when you are mad at the world, at other drivers, or at me. You drove at lightning speed. You gave the keys to the guard as you ran inside the ER.

They were wheeling me in and you found me. You ran to me, and held my hand.

"Jerry--"

"Ela I'm so sorry. I love you so much stay strong please please"

"Please do not call my parents until im stable inside a room please promise me" As I tightened my grip on your hands, as I tugged on the arm of one of the nurses rushing me in. "Please don't tell them yet. Save me first"

"Jerry, I love you--" I lost consciousness again, as they pushed you aside and told you to wait outside the OR.

--

I was still sleeping and you were sitting beside my bed, with your head on the bed and your hand in mine.

Roommates and parents came in, but we were both still sound asleep. But I started to wake up. And I looked at you. Confused.

"Hi ma, dad. Reg angel!! what happened?" I asked, panicking.

"A van hit you, but you're okay now. Your injuries just gotta heal" regina explained

"I'm sorry but I don't mean to be rude but...who are you?" your face. I couldn't paint it. It was like a surge of emotions all at once and you didn't know which one to follow.

The doctor came in and everyone was just listening to her explaining everything. As she was about to do more check ups on me, you and reg and angel left the room as per request

"Ela is pretty much still so in love with you. As much as we tell her to stop, she just can't." Angel said

"I don't understand what's happening with her" Regina added

You were speechless.

The doctor went out and you hurried towards her.

"Doc, we have a problem." You and my roommates explained the whole story.

She went back inside to do more check-ups, now this time for this particular concern.

She let my parents stay inside and went outside.

"I believe she may have had PTSD, and so she now suffers from selective amnesia. Everything that may have brought her deep emotional and mental distress, everything related to them, it's temporarily erased. It will come back the more she is exposed to these things...or people."

(...) to be cont.

Hospital # 1

I always picture myself in the hospital, you know very well it's my 2nd home. I always see myself there.

I sometimes think, what if you got into an accident, I would drop everything. I would run to you. I would call my parents and say what's going on but really, I think they'll let me.

I ran like nothing was happening around me. It was point A to point B. Nothing else. My phone kept on vibrating, updates from your friend (BJ, perhaps). Telling me which room you're in and all, but then again, nothing seemed to exist for me.

I ran to the nurses' station, rambling syllables they can't seem to put together. A nurse held me by my shoulders, calmed me down.

"Joshua Patajo, he got into a-- he got into uhh i dont know why im here"

"Room 420" (gotchu boi)

Fuck the elevator. Emergency staircase.

I was haggard. This time, I reall was. I was a mess.

I saw 420. I ran towards it. Reaching the doorknob, the door opened.

"Oh--hi, are you a friend of Josh" says your dad

"His girlfriend's inside, you can come in too", your mom...clueless.

"Girlfriend?", I asked, confused.

"Yes, ******* (trash). Ive seen her a lot in our house I figured she's his girlfriend. Are you friends with them?"

I peeked into the room, and there she was, by your side. I was too late. I dropped everything, did everything I could, and it still wasn't enough. It was still her by your side.

Acceptance is key, Ela. It's been 3 years.

"Uhh yes, I'm his friend." I was shaking, stuttering. "BJ told me to come--"

My heart was racing, I just didn't know what to do.

"We've met before, you both asked me to sit down and eat. Thank you very much. How's he doing?", I tried to act normal

"He's stable, hija--" Your mom replied, and Nacho was running towards us, with his dad walking a few feet behind him.

"Nacho" me and your mom said, in unison.

We looked at each other, my jaw dropped a bit, not knowing what to say. Her face changed. It's like a realization hit her, hard ... in a good way.

"Come on, you seem like you need air...and coffee." Your mom picked up Nacho, your dad shook your step-dad's hand as they went in your room, and shut the door as I walked with your mom.

------

"So, how do you know Josh?", your mom

"I met him in SOSE Camp. We were sort of in a mixed block."

We walked even more, in complete silence. I was gonna get the coffee but your mom insisted I sit down with Nacho as she goes to the counter. I played with Nacho, he was way bigger than he was last time I saw him. He was laughing hard, and so was I -- or at least I tried.

Your mom looked at us, and smiled. She came back with two cups.

More silence.

"She's not his girlfriend, isn't she?" somehow I knew where you got your randomness

"...........uhhh she used to be."

"So, how long were you two together?"

"We weren't--" She gave me a knowing look. "About a year po."

"She was no good for him. He went out a lot before, but when he was with her, it was different. It looked so...experimental. It looked so confusing. He seemed like he really wanted to be with her, but he also didn't. Boys will be boys, and sex will be sex." your mom said.

I almost spit coffee on Nacho beside me.

"How did you--"

"I'm his mom, dear. I know everything about my son, even the things he doesn't. And I bet you do, too."

"I'm really sorry. I wish I could've done better to stop him. I really did try. But once he chose her, I knew I lost him. Whenever I remember him breaking up with me, I always fixate on his face, his eyes. It wasn't him anymore. I couldn't give him what he wanted, but she could."

She held my hand, "dear, no one could've stopped him but himself. This wasn't your fault."

"I know. But I don't know what to do anymore. "I don't love you that way anymore," he said. What else could I have done about that, right?" I wasn't making sense anymore, I thought.

"Hija, we have time to spare. Tell me what's on your mind."

"Whenever I look at a guy leaving a girl behind, quite literally. Like when a guy goes somewhere near, I automatically think he left her for good. It's not like I look at them, and then try to remember what happened. It's so innate for me to doubt the person now, for the guy to leave unless they have sex. And somehow having sex will make a couple closer, and it infuriates me. It infuriates me how messed up I have become. It infuriates me that I cannot trust anyone, even myself. It infuriates me that even after all of that, I still love him. I still cared for him. Even if he lashes out on me, even if he accuses me of different things, I still love him."
"You raised a great kid, but I wish he felt at home with anyone in your family."

Your mom held my hand tighter, "what do you mean?"

"I'm sorry, I respect you po. I know you know what's best for Josh. I just want to let you know how he felt. He felt alone, he didn't know if he had anything to live for. I constantly tell him to open up to you even bit by bit but, apparently, for him I'm being too forceful. I just wanted him to have a home when I'm gone. Because as much as I want to stay, there's nothing left for me to hold on to. He threw that away first chance he got. I'm sorry --"

"It's fine. I understand you, dear."

"He has a good heart, he's just really misguided. And I wish he wasn't."

"You're wonderful, please know that. If anything, you're the girl I dreamed he'd marry. When that other girl first came in the house, first thing I thought was "no." But I had to tell him she was pretty so he'd at least feel better about his stupidity for leaving you."

"I appreciate that but I'm really not all that. I wish he just didn't meet me and they could've become a couple from the start, just like he said. Maybe they just lacked time together, maybe it could've worked out for them. I just want him to be happy. I just hate how him being happy with someone else breaks my heart. It wouldn't if he didn't do what he did. Am I making sense?"

She stood up, I got confused. She hugged me, tightly.

"You, my dear, are the best thing to ever happen to my family. You gave Josh something I didn't. You gave him a home."

"Your son is worth loving, he's worth moving mountains for. It's never too late to become the family he deserves. It'll take time for him to accept that, but I hope you don't give up on it."

I hugged Nacho goodbye, and so as your mom.

"Thank you so much for being his rock."

"I'm not. You are. I believe in you po." We let go of our embrace, "thank you so much for letting me talk about us. I think it'd be better if he didn't knew I stopped by. Please?"

"Okay...? I didn't catch your name, hija."

"Ela"

"Okay, Ela. I'd tell him when he's ready, how about that?"

"I think that's perfect. And I mean, I don't think it would matter to him. It's been 3 years."

"Oh, Ela, you have no idea."

I waved goodbye to Nacho, and dragged my feet towards the exit.

---

Your mom went back to your room with Nacho. You were already awake.

The bitch was still there, "Jerry???"

You were so confused, "what the fuck are you doing here??"

Your mom asked her to leave the room already cause you weren't responding well to her presence. As she was walking towards the door, Nacho tugged on your mom's sleeves,

"Where did ate Ela go?"

You stared at Nacho, "What did you just say?"

Carlene looked back, and your mom snapped, "please, leave. I beg of you." And so, she hesitantly left.

"Hos, you better rest first--"

"DID ELA COME BY???"

"Josh, calm down. Nacho was just--"

"Hey, physics." You all looked.

I was there by the door,

"Glad you're not dead." I smiled, and so did you.

New Year's Day

IMPORTANT MESSAGE: I imagined this scenario as I listened to New Year's Day (it's in Taylor's new album) SO PLEASE READ THIS SCENARIO, THEN REPLAY IT IN YOUR HEAD AS YOU LISTEN TO THE SONG PLEASE THANK YOU (plus you can ALSO listen to it as you read for that extra vibe lolz ok tnx byebean)


After college, you flew to a different country to work. You didn't go to Amsterdam yet because it would not be the same. It would not be the scenario we had in mind. I have no idea where you went, maybe Singapore, but still, you went away because you just really can't take this country anymore.

I stayed, worked for 2 years in a food or make-up company (of course duh), and got transferred to Boston for me to take my post-grad.

It was Christmas season, and we both went back to the Philippines. It has been years since we have seen each other. We both went to the same grocery store to buy ingredients for the Christmas feast, not knowing the other was there too. We celebrated with our families, but unfortunately had to go back to work a few days after.

I went back to Boston because we were to meet with representatives from Google to make a collaboration, it was the only time we could meet with them 'cause idk they're busy and Singaporeans don't really do Christmas. You brought all your Christmas gifts with you in your luggage, 'cause you were headed straight to your business trip (you see where I'm going with this? Okay? ok.)

The house I rented was cold as I entered, my pathway was full of snow which I had to rake off. Made hot cocoa for myself with marshmallows (this is important maybe) and just spent a nice evening as I received a text from a friend at work, Gracy:

"Hey, the snow storms are pretty bad in our area. Can I spend New Year's with you, girl?"

"Sure, bring people."

I went to the grocery at night to get baking ingredients and wine. You were getting oreos, hoarding rather. You felt so lonely you had to leave Belle and Nacho after a few days of spending time with them, so you just had to have someone with you -- Oreos. Same grocery, again. We didn't see each other, again.

Went to get Starbucks as usual the next morning, as I sped off to work because I got too caught up watching Friends the night before. I walked in, and Gracy ran up to me

"Dani, is it okay if I invited a few friends. Actually, scratch that, when I say a few, I say like around 10?"

"WHAT? That IS few. Of course, it's alright. Who are these strangers??"

"'Cause I mean, you are SOOOO late right now --"

"Sorry, had to get coffee."

"Classic. Anyway, the Singaporean people came in early and of course we had to entertain them because you know who usually does that single-handedly--"

"Sorry."

"Yeah, we had to huddle up to decide who speaks first! But good thing they're pretty nice people, and I kind of accidentallyinvitedthemtoNewYear's hehe"

"WHAT??? YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA DRINK SO MUCH WHY INVITE THEM?"

"Because I KNOW I'm gonna drink so much haha! Girl, some of the men are A+ okay, and I'm pretty sure Jack and Peter are definitely gonna be no-show's."

"Oh come on, you have to be a little nicer to them, you know. They do try." I replied, as I try to push her to walk because this chit-chatting is making me more late for our meeting.

"The only one stopping me from breaking up with him is you, okay? You always say, give him another chance it's not like he cheated on you. He IS cheating on me WITH HIS CAREER!!"

"Breathe, bitch. We got a meeting to go to." I said, as I pushed open the glass door.

The visitors stood up as our team entered the room. And there you were. We stood there for half a minute, and both company's representatives were already taking their seats, yet we just stood there. In shock, in awe. All I knew, my heart skipped a beat.

"Ms. Villegas, the Google Singapore team has been waiting for 15 minutes now. Shall we begin?" Gracy looked at me, she gave me that knowing look. That look that said "OH MY GOSH TELL ME ABOUT THIS LATER!!"

Our eyes were locked, and I had to release myself from it. "Oh sorry, let's begin."

The meeting ended, and I was gathering my papers from the meeting table and was about to leave, but you walked up to me.

"Ela." Your eyes were happy, joyous rather. And so were mine. Your smile was confused. You didn't know what to say.

"It's been a long time, physics." I said.

"It has. I've --"

"Ms. Villegas, your 12:30 is ready. We served McDonald's to them as you requested." A short, chubby girl who apparently was my secretary interrupted our long overdue conversation.

"Sorry. Catch up soon." I said, and I left the room.

I went home, and I felt anxious but in a good way. You stayed in the car you rented for the week. You got twister fries in your hands, thank God.

December 31 came and I took half the day off to prepare for the evening. I roasted chicken, baked chocolate chip cookies, and chilled the wine and champagne I bought the other day.

The door bell rang.

"Yo bitch I brought raw steak." Gracy said as she entered my house.

"It's very Christmas-y here, I love it. SO COZY!" she added.

"I cleaned the piano and guitar if you wanna jam later." I said

"But for now, let's go get steak-in'."


People started coming as I was playing New Year's Day on the piano, Gracy was singing with me. Our visitors were all around the house, catching up.

The door bell rang. Gracy took over the song, but repeatedly played it.

It was you.

I welcomed you with a bright smile as I took the bowl of mashed potato in your hands.

"You know me well." I laughed as I gestured towards the coat rack.

We walked to the kitchen and probably talked for hours. We laughed so much, we got caught up with sharing memories and telling each other work stories that we would have told each other if were still in touch.

It was 11:50. We went to the living room as everyone gathered around the fireplace. There were no fireworks, our glances towards each other took care of that.

The clock hit midnight. Everyone threw their hands up in the air as a joyous mix of laughter and "Happy New Year!!!" filled the air.

Couples kissed. Brothers hugged. We were sitting on the carpet floor, next to each other.

"Happy new year...boo"

"HAHAHA happy new year, fucker."

Gracy got drunk, the Singaporeans got drunk. We took care of them and as they fell asleep, we sat next to the fireplace, and talked all morning.

It was 7 am, and we were still up. People were starting to wake up, and tip-toe out of the house.

"We see you." I told Gracy as she tried to leave with her shoes in her hand.

"I didn't hook up with anyone, did I?"

"No, you didn't. Now, leave."

She waved goodbye, as everyone else did.

"I'll clean up with you," you said as you helped me up. And of course, our kwentos reached the kitchen as we picked up beer and wine bottles off the floor. After we finished, we still laughed about how you graduated with latin honors and got into Google, and how your friends bet on it. They all had to pay you 5,000 each.

"I would've bet my first salary that you would've gotten in." I smiled, and we had a moment of silence just staring into each other's eyes.

"I'm so proud of --" I was gonna say I was proud of you but,

"It's always been you." You interrupted, I was gonna say something. After all those times you made the first move and I did not reply immediately, I was finally going to say something right then and there.

But a car pulled up outside.

A guy quickly got out of the driver's seat, and ran towards the house.

"Sorry, I--" I ran out towards him. He hugged me tightly, lifted me off the ground. I forgot my coat. It was freezing outside, but I didn't care. Jack was here.

"You made it!!!"

"No, I didn't. I'm so late and I'm really sorry. Mom baked so much for you she wouldn't let me go without bringing them all."

"It's fine. You're here now. We had fun last night, a friend is still inside if you wanna meet him."

We entered the house and you just put your coat on and was ready to leave.

"You're leaving?" I said.

"Uh yeah, I have to umm Belle's waiting."

"Belle's here???"

"Ahem.." Jack said.

"Oh sorry! Jack this is Jerry, Jerry this is Jack -- my boyfriend." You guys shook hands, but there was sadness in your eyes, and so in mine.

"Sorry, my sister's waiting in the airport I really have to go. It was nice catching up with you, Ela." You hurriedly left the house, you walked quickly along the patio.

"Jack, sorry wait." I ran out of the house, ran towards you. I tapped your shoulder, and you turned towards me.

I reached up and hugged you tightly, with your head on my shoulder. We didn't want to let go.

I whispered, "first love never dies but--"

I released myself from our embrace and held your hands, "But I wish you good luck with everything. I've missed you terribly, Jerry. I'm really proud of you."

I hugged you again, but quickly ran back to the house as Jack wrapped his arm around me, completely clueless of my past. I was happy, and so were you.

---I leave the rest to your imagination, or at least all your parts in the scenario above. Go listen to New Year's Day again. Thanks for reading, boo. :)

A Day At a Cold Room

I don't know how we got there, but somehow, you're with your friends and I'm with mine. We go to a big freezer for some kind of business we both had separately. We didn't know we were both there, not until we all got locked inside.

I was trying to get the door unlocked, and I got tired doing that obviously lol

I looked behind me, and there you were, with the surprised look on your face (and I'm wishing it's some surprise out of happiness hehe)

We looked into each other's eyes, both with sadness. Each group of friends sat down, but the two of us -- we were leaning against the wall. The Last Supper can sit between us, again. But you get cold easily, and we were in a freaking freezer with no fluff left to keep us warm.

I offered you my coat, and you refused as you always did.

After a few tries, I offered it again. But this time, you can't refuse anymore. You can't talk anymore. I did not know what was happening with you, but I moved towards you, grabbed you by your shoulders and let you lie down on my lap with your head in my arms, with your hands wrapped around them.

It has been years since we got this close.

I tried to keep you warm all throughout.

I kissed your forehead, and whispered in your ear "It'll be alright, boo."

Little did I know, your new girlfriend was there, too, with your friends.

The door opened, and the rescuers got one person each and made sure our temperatures were normal asap.

Your girlfriend took you in her arms, and looked back at me with pain in her eyes.

You looked back at me, and smiled.

I smiled back, trying to fight back the sadness. I waved good bye.

The two of you went to a nearby coffee place, and you sat across each other. You were stirring the coffee she got you, 'cause you don't drink coffee and you don't know if you'll like it. You were just stirring and staring at the coffee. Wondering (hopefully) about me.

She stared at you, thinking, "they really must have been perfect together. They really must have loved each other."

She looked back through her memories, remembering the time she saw you cry about us when you were still friends. "I'll forever love her."

You looked up at her, and you held her hand.

'Someday' played on the cafe radio.


Note from me: I love you, boo. And that's why I want you to have a good life, despite what you did to me. I hope one day you'll stop comparing me to other girls, and just be with someone who'll make you happy, too. I know you'll remember me, just know that I'll remember you and us fondly.

HI BOO

I know we didn't end well, and you'll keep  on apologizing for that. I know. But let this be our sweet escape from all the pain.

I'll share the scenarios in my head, just like how we used to. They're not necessarily sweet, they're sometimes sad. Sometimes miserable, but also sometimes the best thing you'll hear to make your month.

I love you, no matter what shape that love takes, boo. I love you.