Hospital # 1

I always picture myself in the hospital, you know very well it's my 2nd home. I always see myself there.

I sometimes think, what if you got into an accident, I would drop everything. I would run to you. I would call my parents and say what's going on but really, I think they'll let me.

I ran like nothing was happening around me. It was point A to point B. Nothing else. My phone kept on vibrating, updates from your friend (BJ, perhaps). Telling me which room you're in and all, but then again, nothing seemed to exist for me.

I ran to the nurses' station, rambling syllables they can't seem to put together. A nurse held me by my shoulders, calmed me down.

"Joshua Patajo, he got into a-- he got into uhh i dont know why im here"

"Room 420" (gotchu boi)

Fuck the elevator. Emergency staircase.

I was haggard. This time, I reall was. I was a mess.

I saw 420. I ran towards it. Reaching the doorknob, the door opened.

"Oh--hi, are you a friend of Josh" says your dad

"His girlfriend's inside, you can come in too", your mom...clueless.

"Girlfriend?", I asked, confused.

"Yes, ******* (trash). Ive seen her a lot in our house I figured she's his girlfriend. Are you friends with them?"

I peeked into the room, and there she was, by your side. I was too late. I dropped everything, did everything I could, and it still wasn't enough. It was still her by your side.

Acceptance is key, Ela. It's been 3 years.

"Uhh yes, I'm his friend." I was shaking, stuttering. "BJ told me to come--"

My heart was racing, I just didn't know what to do.

"We've met before, you both asked me to sit down and eat. Thank you very much. How's he doing?", I tried to act normal

"He's stable, hija--" Your mom replied, and Nacho was running towards us, with his dad walking a few feet behind him.

"Nacho" me and your mom said, in unison.

We looked at each other, my jaw dropped a bit, not knowing what to say. Her face changed. It's like a realization hit her, hard ... in a good way.

"Come on, you seem like you need air...and coffee." Your mom picked up Nacho, your dad shook your step-dad's hand as they went in your room, and shut the door as I walked with your mom.

------

"So, how do you know Josh?", your mom

"I met him in SOSE Camp. We were sort of in a mixed block."

We walked even more, in complete silence. I was gonna get the coffee but your mom insisted I sit down with Nacho as she goes to the counter. I played with Nacho, he was way bigger than he was last time I saw him. He was laughing hard, and so was I -- or at least I tried.

Your mom looked at us, and smiled. She came back with two cups.

More silence.

"She's not his girlfriend, isn't she?" somehow I knew where you got your randomness

"...........uhhh she used to be."

"So, how long were you two together?"

"We weren't--" She gave me a knowing look. "About a year po."

"She was no good for him. He went out a lot before, but when he was with her, it was different. It looked so...experimental. It looked so confusing. He seemed like he really wanted to be with her, but he also didn't. Boys will be boys, and sex will be sex." your mom said.

I almost spit coffee on Nacho beside me.

"How did you--"

"I'm his mom, dear. I know everything about my son, even the things he doesn't. And I bet you do, too."

"I'm really sorry. I wish I could've done better to stop him. I really did try. But once he chose her, I knew I lost him. Whenever I remember him breaking up with me, I always fixate on his face, his eyes. It wasn't him anymore. I couldn't give him what he wanted, but she could."

She held my hand, "dear, no one could've stopped him but himself. This wasn't your fault."

"I know. But I don't know what to do anymore. "I don't love you that way anymore," he said. What else could I have done about that, right?" I wasn't making sense anymore, I thought.

"Hija, we have time to spare. Tell me what's on your mind."

"Whenever I look at a guy leaving a girl behind, quite literally. Like when a guy goes somewhere near, I automatically think he left her for good. It's not like I look at them, and then try to remember what happened. It's so innate for me to doubt the person now, for the guy to leave unless they have sex. And somehow having sex will make a couple closer, and it infuriates me. It infuriates me how messed up I have become. It infuriates me that I cannot trust anyone, even myself. It infuriates me that even after all of that, I still love him. I still cared for him. Even if he lashes out on me, even if he accuses me of different things, I still love him."
"You raised a great kid, but I wish he felt at home with anyone in your family."

Your mom held my hand tighter, "what do you mean?"

"I'm sorry, I respect you po. I know you know what's best for Josh. I just want to let you know how he felt. He felt alone, he didn't know if he had anything to live for. I constantly tell him to open up to you even bit by bit but, apparently, for him I'm being too forceful. I just wanted him to have a home when I'm gone. Because as much as I want to stay, there's nothing left for me to hold on to. He threw that away first chance he got. I'm sorry --"

"It's fine. I understand you, dear."

"He has a good heart, he's just really misguided. And I wish he wasn't."

"You're wonderful, please know that. If anything, you're the girl I dreamed he'd marry. When that other girl first came in the house, first thing I thought was "no." But I had to tell him she was pretty so he'd at least feel better about his stupidity for leaving you."

"I appreciate that but I'm really not all that. I wish he just didn't meet me and they could've become a couple from the start, just like he said. Maybe they just lacked time together, maybe it could've worked out for them. I just want him to be happy. I just hate how him being happy with someone else breaks my heart. It wouldn't if he didn't do what he did. Am I making sense?"

She stood up, I got confused. She hugged me, tightly.

"You, my dear, are the best thing to ever happen to my family. You gave Josh something I didn't. You gave him a home."

"Your son is worth loving, he's worth moving mountains for. It's never too late to become the family he deserves. It'll take time for him to accept that, but I hope you don't give up on it."

I hugged Nacho goodbye, and so as your mom.

"Thank you so much for being his rock."

"I'm not. You are. I believe in you po." We let go of our embrace, "thank you so much for letting me talk about us. I think it'd be better if he didn't knew I stopped by. Please?"

"Okay...? I didn't catch your name, hija."

"Ela"

"Okay, Ela. I'd tell him when he's ready, how about that?"

"I think that's perfect. And I mean, I don't think it would matter to him. It's been 3 years."

"Oh, Ela, you have no idea."

I waved goodbye to Nacho, and dragged my feet towards the exit.

---

Your mom went back to your room with Nacho. You were already awake.

The bitch was still there, "Jerry???"

You were so confused, "what the fuck are you doing here??"

Your mom asked her to leave the room already cause you weren't responding well to her presence. As she was walking towards the door, Nacho tugged on your mom's sleeves,

"Where did ate Ela go?"

You stared at Nacho, "What did you just say?"

Carlene looked back, and your mom snapped, "please, leave. I beg of you." And so, she hesitantly left.

"Hos, you better rest first--"

"DID ELA COME BY???"

"Josh, calm down. Nacho was just--"

"Hey, physics." You all looked.

I was there by the door,

"Glad you're not dead." I smiled, and so did you.